Roller Coaster – Searching for Stability

“I’m aware of the high and the low. I’ll be waiting for you in the middle, but I just lack control.” – Bradley Nowell

      Since my graduating month of high school my life has been a complicated mess of twists, turns, highs and lows. My mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health have all been for a ride.  I have had many successes and failures in relationships, academics, finances, and more.  And through it all, all I really wanted was stability – some place in the middle to call home.  Nobody likes the lows and sometimes the highs can be just as scary.

      Then something happened – I inadvertently adopted a new worldview, one that I think could only come through experience.  For the last several months, I have been climbing, and the year before I had been falling; but now, as effectual as my circumstances still are on my life, I have become more concerned with my effect on the world than its effect on me.

      The inadvertent realization I came to is that I do lack a great deal of control.  Of all that happens to me, there are many things I have no control over nor should I, because that area is meant to be controlled by someone or something else.  To think about it In the legal sense, it is a matter of jurisdiction.  So, worrying about that which I cannot control is a waste of time and a disease of focus.

      I have written before about how focus determines my reality but would like to add that focusing on what I can control, in good times or bad, leads to my success.  My life might fall into despair, I might not be where I want to be in life, my loved ones’ health might decline, or more.  In contrast, life might throw wonderful treasures and joys my way, but all I need to worry about is that which is within my control – the unique and very important decisions (large and small) of everyday life for which I have been entrusted.  I must value the challenges I am meant to confront and disregard those I am not.  In focusing on such, my life is stable, peaceful, and successful – always, despite the highs and the lows.

Love – 2

I am sure I have posted this before, but it is so important and means so much to me that I want to post it again.  Especially now, during Holy Week.

Origin of Blog Heading

I may have written about this before, but if I have not this is an explanation of where my blog heading: “Necesse es ut eam, non ut vivam” came from.

The movie and book Life of Pi is somewhat inspired by a true story of Richard Parker.  Richard Parker was a boy lost at sea with three sailors adrift a lifeboat in the late 19th Century.  The men and seventeen-year-old boy had subsisted on minimal food and water for eleven days.  After that, they had gone five days without water and seven days without food before one of the men, Dudley, posed that they cast lots to decide who would be sacrificed so the others could survive.  The men decided that they would not cast lots, and, instead kill the boy who was without a family whom depended on him and was clearly the weakest of all the men – lying ill at the bottom of the lifeboat from lack of food and drinking sea water.

One man, Brooks, dissented from killing the boy.  But the other men assented.  Dudley stabbed and killed the boy, and Dudley and Stephens (the other sailor) ate the boy four days before the men were saved by a passing ship.  Dudley and Stephens were brought to the Queens Bench and tried for murder.  This is the part of the opinion from where I took my blog heading:

Though law and morality are not the same, and many things may be immoral which are not necessarily illegal, yet the absolute divorce of law from morality would be of fatal consequence; and such divorce would follow if the temptation to murder in this case were to be held by law an absolute defence of it.  It is not so.  To preserve one’s life is generally speaking a duty, but it may be the plainest and the highest duty to sacrifice it.  War is full of  instances in which it is a man’s duty not to live, but to die.  The duty, in case of shipwreck, of a captain to his crew, of the crew to the passengers, of soldiers to women and children, as in the noble case of the Birkenhead; these duties impose on men the moral necessity, not of the preservations but of the sacrifice of their lives for others, from which in no country, least of all, it is to be hoped, in England, will men ever shrink as indeed, they have not shrunk.  It is not correct, therefore, to say that there is any absolute or unqualified necessity to preserve one’s life.  “Necesse est ut eam, non ut vivam,” is a saying of a Roman officer quoted by Lord Bacon himself with high eulogy in the very chapter on necessity to which so much reference has been made.  It would be a very easy and cheap display of commonplace learning to quote from Greek and Latin authors, from Horace, from Juvenal, from Cicero, from Euripides, passage after passages, in which the duty of dying for others has been laid down in glowing and emphatic language as resulting from the principles of heathen ethics; it is enough in a Christian country to remind ourselves of the Great Example whom we profess to follow.  It is not needful to point out the awful danger of admitting the principle which has been contended for.  Who is to be the judge of this sort of necessity?  By what measure is the comparative value of lives to be measured?  Is it to be strength, or intellect, or what ? It is plain that the principle leaves to him who is to profit by it to determine the necessity which will justify him in deliberately taking another’s life to save his own.  In this case the weakest, the youngest, the most unresisting, was chosen.  Was it more [p. 288] necessary to kill him than one of the grown men?  The answer must be “No” –

“So spake the Fiend, and with necessity,

The tyrant’s plea, excused his devilish deeds.”

It is not suggested that in this particular case the deeds were devilish, but it is quite plain that such a principle once admitted might be made the legal cloak for unbridled passion and atrocious crime.  There is no safe path for judges to tread but to ascertain the law to the best of their ability and to declare it according to their judgment; and if in any case the law appears to be too severe on individuals, to leave it to the Sovereign to exercise that prerogative of mercy which the Constitution has intrusted to the hands fittest to dispense it.

It must not be supposed that in refusing to admit temptation to be an excuse for crime it is forgotten how terrible the temptation was; how awful the suffering; how hard in such trials to keep the judgment straight and the conduct pure.  We are often compelled to set up standards we cannot reach ourselves, and to lay down rules which we could not ourselves satisfy.  But a man has no right to declare temptation to be an excuse, though he might himself have yielded to it, nor allow compassion for the criminal to change or weaken in any manner the legal definition of the crime.  It is therefore our duty to declare that the prisoners’ act in this case was wilful murder, that the facts as stated in the verdict are no legal justification of the homicide; and to say that in our unanimous opinion the prisoners are upon this special verdict guilty, of murder.

Mud and Heart – favorite excerpts from “Citizenship in a Republic”

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Shame on the man of cultivated taste who permits refinement to develop into fastidiousness that unfits him for doing the rough work of a workaday world. Among the free peoples who govern themselves there is but a small field of usefulness open for the men of cloistered life who shrink from contact with their fellows. Still less room is there for those who deride of slight what is done by those who actually bear the brunt of the day; nor yet for those others who always profess that they would like to take action, if only the conditions of life were not exactly what they actually are. The man who does nothing cuts the same sordid figure in the pages of history, whether he be a cynic, or fop, or voluptuary. There is little use for the being whose tepid soul knows nothing of great and generous emotion, of the high pride, the stern belief, the lofty enthusiasm, of the men who quell the storm and ride the thunder. Well for these men if they succeed; well also, though not so well, if they fail, given only that they have nobly ventured, and have put forth all their heart and strength. It is war-worn Hotspur, spent with hard fighting, he of the many errors and valiant end, over whose memory we love to linger, not over the memory of the young lord who “but for the vile guns would have been a valiant soldier.”

. . .

Character must show itself in the man’s performance both of the duty he owes himself and of the duty he owes the state. The man’s foremast duty is owed to himself and his family; and he can do this duty only by earning money, by providing what is essential to material well-being; it is only after this has been done that he can hope to build a higher superstructure on the solid material foundation; it is only after this has been done that he can help in his movements for the general well-being. He must pull his own weight first, and only after this can his surplus strength be of use to the general public. It is not good to excite that bitter laughter which expresses contempt; and contempt is what we feel for the being whose enthusiasm to benefit mankind is such that he is a burden to those nearest him; who wishes to do great things for humanity in the abstract, but who cannot keep his wife in comfort or educate his children.

. . .

Let those who have, keep, let those who have not, strive to attain, a high standard of cultivation and scholarship. Yet let us remember that these stand second to certain other things. There is need of a sound body, and even more of a sound mind. But above mind and above body stands character – the sum of those qualities which we mean when we speak of a man’s force and courage, of his good faith and sense of honor. I believe in exercise for the body, always provided that we keep in mind that physical development is a means and not an end. I believe, of course, in giving to all the people a good education. But the education must contain much besides book-learning in order to be really good. We must ever remember that no keenness and subtleness of intellect, no polish, no cleverness, in any way make up for the lack of the great solid qualities. Self restraint, self mastery, common sense, the power of accepting individual responsibility and yet of acting in conjunction with others, courage and resolution – these are the qualities which mark a masterful people.

. . . .

[I]f a man’s efficiency is not guided and regulated by a moral sense, then the more efficient he is the worse he is, the more dangerous to the body politic. Courage, intellect, all the masterful qualities, serve but to make a man more evil if they are merely used for that man’s own advancement, with brutal indifference to the rights of others. It speaks ill for the community if the community worships these qualities and treats their possessors as heroes regardless of whether the qualities are used rightly or wrongly. It makes no difference as to the precise way in which this sinister efficiency is shown. It makes no difference whether such a man’s force and ability betray themselves in a career of money-maker or politician, soldier or orator, journalist or popular leader. If the man works for evil, then the more successful he is the more he should be despised and condemned by all upright and far-seeing men. To judge a man merely by success is an abhorrent wrong; and if the people at large habitually so judge men, if they grow to condone wickedness because the wicked man triumphs, they show their inability to understand that in the last analysis free institutions rest upon the character of citizenship, and that by such admiration of evil they prove themselves unfit for liberty.

. . .

The good citizen will demand liberty for himself, and as a matter of pride he will see to it that others receive liberty which he thus claims as his own. Probably the best test of true love of liberty in any country is the way in which minorities are treated in that country.

– Theodore Roosevelt, excerpts from the speech “Citizenship In A Republic”
Delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910

Peace Among Community

It has been a long time since I have had sincere peace.  Thankfully, I found it today – first while visiting my friend and then while celebrating mass.  This time my peace did not come at a realization, acceptance, or state of mind per se.  My peace came through being a part of a community.

I live in a college town where every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday wealthy white kids dressed in skimpy outfits roam the streets looking to get drunk and laid.  I know what it is like to be a young twenty something in college, but even then, I never had the “let’s get drunk and laid” mentality.  They are loud and are usually stumbling across my car or into me, and they make an otherwise beautiful city a nightmare to walk through at night.  The best way to explain the situation is analogizing it to working at a bar at 3 a.m., when everyone else is stupid drunk and I am dead sober.  It is fun to act stupid, let loose, and drink every once in a while but watching half the city do it four nights of every week gets annoying.

I went to mass at the Newman Center today in this college town.  I thought, for sure, I would be one of only a handful of young people there.  I was not far from correct.  There were few college students, although more than I thought.  But their presence brought me a great amount of piece.  For all I know, they could be the same kids on the street I complain about, but the fact that they shared the same mentality as me – to want to grow spiritually – made all the difference.  Also, they seemed like very kind and peaceful people – more interested in discussing ideas and fostering friendship and service than preoccupying themselves with what they can get out of life.  One of the young men I spoke with told me about the different charitable and community services, study groups, and prayer groups they offered.  It was a very peaceful reminder that these people still exist.

The other peaceful moment came while visiting my friend in Newark. DE.  He is a good friend – loyal, funny, quiet and kind.  I have much to be thankful for.  He shares the same interests as I do and thinks the same way as I do.  I had forgotten how important it is merely to be able to have that interaction with someone.  And through him, I meet others of like mind.  These people are all very similar – respectful, fun, very intelligent, humble, steady, calm, and accepting.  They do not stand out in a crowd nor are they loud nor are they party people, but they are the backbone of humanity. They do not look at life through myopic lenses, concerning themselves only with what they want and what they know.  They look at life with eyes wide open and, of course, as an opportunity for themselves but also as an opportunity for others and as an opportunity to serve.  These people bring me peace.

Just a Man

I still think about Silva a lot.  I still worry about her and wonder how she is truly doing.  And I still fight the urge to call her and ask her how she is doing and if there is anything I could do for her.  She broke my heart, but I still care.

On the other hand, I know that any love I would give would not be reciprocated.  In itself this is not a bad thing, but I need to love myself first.  I have to humble myself and realize that I am just a man who has needs too. One soul is needed to replenish another.

I only have one friend in the Philadelphia area, whom I am rarely able to see.  I need to branch out and make new friends – for my benefit and their benefit.  I need to start taking better care of myself and realize that I’m still a man.  As a man, I have a need to love others but a need to love myself too.

Outside My Comfort Zone

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I don’t like cliche quotes.  I don’t like them because they go against exactly what this post is trying to express – moving outside of my comfort zone.  Ironically, this Eleanor Roosevelt quote is cliche and motivating.  Recently, I have been applying it to my life very literally – whether it is talking to someone, getting off my ass when I am too lazy to do something, or trying something new each day.

I really dislike stagnating, and, unfortunately, I have been for months.  But I also don’t like moving outside of my comfort zone.  So, I force myself.  Starting yesterday, I have been forcing myself to do at least one thing each day that scares me.  It’s great!!  So far, I have been living much more sincerely.

Sometimes risks turn out bad and sometimes they turn out good, but never do I feel more alive than in pursuit.

Success in Failure

I have realized many ways to gain success in failure.  Of course, I might learn from my mistakes, learn a valuable lesson, or gain a life experience. But much greater than these, I have found success in the moments preceding failure.

Sometimes I look at success as achievement of an experience, a state of mind, a human connection, a tangible thing, or the attainment of love.  But there is a much greater success, which I discussed previously in my post “Greatest Lesson I Have Learned.”  Whatever the outcome of the goal, the decision of a moment directly effects the success of the moment.

Relationships fail, plans fail, careers fail, studies fail, and ultimately life will fail (everyone dies).  But is there anything to be said about the moments before the failure?

In a way, my heart is meant to be broken, my bones are meant to be crushed, my sweat is meant to drip, and my blood is meant to pour.  Sometimes, that is the price to pay to love.  Many times, unfortunately, the greater the love the greater the sacrifice.  And if I fail in my goal, I must remind myself to reflect on the moments preceding the failure and ask myself if I loved.  If the answer is yes, then I succeeded.

Robin Williams failed to win his fight against depression, Oskar Schindler failed to save all the persecuted he wanted to save from the Nazis, my friend’s father was taken from him and his mother at an early age (ending a life and relationships), and hospitals fail to save the lives of people every day.  But before that moment of failure came many moments of success.  Robin Williams made people smile, Schindler saved many persecuted, my friend and his mother shared an incredible amount of love with his father.  And the hospital may have only prolonged the inevitable, but maybe that was just enough time to love with friends and family one last time.  And most would agree that any amount of time for that is time well spent.

So, when it comes to failures in my life and the pain it brings.  I must remind myself that failure is just one moment of the many successes that came before.  The little successes add up, especially those done with lots of love!  And the pain is my sacrifice for that love and success.

Facts are Beliefs and Beliefs are Facts. And Both are Moral Values.

In regard to understanding the relationship between belief and fact, a common difference between the statements “cheating is wrong” and “the box is red” might lie in where I place my faith or the degree of confidence I place in my faith.

Cheating is wrong.  Right or wrong?  The justification for this statement often comes from revelation (dependence on outside statements.)  Perhaps I was inculcated by my parents or teachers that cheating was wrong.  So, I am placing faith in revelation from others.

The box is red.  Right or wrong?  The box is obviously red.  What is the justification?  I am looking at it, and I can see it is red.  So, I am placing faith in my powers of observation.

Regardless of where I place my faith, in others or myself, I am still using faith.

My belief might be altered by the confidence in my faith.  What if I see the box but others say the box does not exist? How confident am I to believe the box exists?  I can imagine this kind of issue is a problem for people with schizophrenia.  They hear voices but everyone else says the voices do not exist.  On the flip side, I can imagine this is also a problem for people blind from birth.  They are told about all sorts of colors but have never seen the colors themselves.  How confident are they that colors exist?

For those who are blind from birth, is the existence of color fact even though they must rely on others to take it as fact?  Or is it merely a belief?  For those who can see colors but have no affirmation from others, is the existence of color fact even though they rely solely on their powers of observation?  Or is it merely a belief?

Those who can see and those who cannot see both consider the box red because they hold a moral value that the box is red.  Whether they place faith in their own powers or in revelation from others, they are recognizing what is right and what is wrong (what is truth and what is illusion).  After all, moral value is a recognition of right or wrong (truth or illusion).  When deviating from this idea, I only need to ask myself if I recognized that a claim I made was truth or illusion (right or wrong). If I made such recognition, I developed a moral value.

What is illusion and what is truth?  Even though I cannot witness something, is it justification enough that everyone else holds that something as true?  For example, Benjamin Franklin existed – yes or no?  Even though everyone else cannot witness something, is it justification enough that I hold that something as empirically true?  For example, this computer screen in front of me at this moment is truly here – yes or no?

The answers for all of these questions are dependent on faith, either in my own powers or revelation from others – therefore, my facts are my beliefs.  The justification needed to prove my fact is only as important as its power to persuade – therefore my beliefs are my facts.  Once persuaded, my holding becomes my morality because I have recognized right or wrong (truth or illusion).

P.S.  As I wrote in the comment section of my blog post “Three Rule Theory of Morality,” unless I consider myself self-justified, I may not create truth nor illusion (right or wrong) but merely recognize it.  Therefore, my facts may or may not be correct. “Certainty generally is an illusion, and repose is not the destiny of man.”

Crossroad

There are some choices that I make in my life that substantially alter my future.  Leaving to go to law school on the East Coast was one of the choices.  Now, I am faced with a similar but even more important choice – where to take the bar exam.

I will graduate in 2015 and soon I will need to apply for the bar exam.  Taking the Illinois bar has always been a strong choice, but it has never been a priority.  Taking the Pennsylvania bar is also a strong choice but also not a priority.

2012 was such a great year because it was full of opportunity.  I knew nothing about the East Coast and only a little about the law school.  The journey presented an opportunity for making great friends or terrible friends, failure or success, or hopefully even a place to call home.  I felt alive at the prospect of finding a new life.

I have made many successes in Pennsylvania; however, I cannot say that I made any lasting friendships nor can I say that I found a home in Pennsylvania.  However, I cannot say that Illinois offers much greater opportunity.  My friends and family are married/have children and have their own lives to live.  My dad does not recognize me and could care less if I am here or somewhere else.  And I have not considered Rockford or Illinois home for a long time.  I cannot say that I have considered any place home after undergrad. Home has always been where family is, and, in many regards, family is in Illinois; but, in many other regards, I have no family of my own and therefore have no home – just opportunities to make home.

The prospect of again taking off for a new state (perhaps the West Coast or New England) excites me.  It thrills me in a similar way that leaving for law school did in 2012.  However, my decision this time will affect more than a four year stint of time.  Wherever I take the bar could likely be where I reside the rest of my life.